Problems with Friends

Question

Wow, where do I start? I just know I desperately need help with a situation with a ‘best friend'. I met her in February, 2004 at a bowling alley. It took a while for her to warm up to me, but she is like that. Over a period of several months, we became friends and started bowling together outside of league, etc. We eventually started also talking online, talking on the phone, etc. You need a special patience to be friends with her, and so a lot of people are not often there for her. As a result, she began calling me her best friend, and she became mine as well. We became real close. It was never really ‘romantic' or anything like that and I knew that from the start, though she's attractive. Everything was going great until she moved down the road from me, which I believe is a coincidence. I moved out on my own (I'm 22, like her) and she wanted to do the same. Our problems began around late February 2005. I was interested in a girl named Blair, and to make a long story short, I got my heart broke. She was my other ‘best friend' at the time. Blair and I have since patched things up. After this, Michelle started being more distant. This had nothing to do with anything, it's just kind of when it began. In March, I noticed that every time I asked her to do anything, she would say no. This went on for several months and is still the case for today. I ask her to do something – anything – even after she says she's bored, and she will 99.9% of the time say no. I ask her to the movies and she says she doesn't like seeing movies with guys…even though she has seen movies with plenty of guys, including her other ‘best friend', Josh. Josh is currently out of the country on a mission, but I always feel like she puts me second to him. She knows this. This is kind of how our issue started, but it's just something I've had to kind of ‘accept' and hope for the best. I asked her to go to the movies for months, have a beer or so, go to my parents house where I used to live, go for a walk, bowl, bowl in a league, everything! You name it, I asked. Over half of this, she turned right around and done it with someone else, including the bowling league, bowling, movies, etc. It's a repetitive pattern. This became a really huge issue that she knew about in the early summer, and she would get mad every time I would bring it up. It got to the point where I would ask her to do something, she would say no, and then go do things with others and try to hide it. With all this, she still declared me her “best friend” and the closest person to her, for whatever reason. I care a lot, and she knows this. I would do anything for her. I might even be slightly in love with her, but it's nothing I can't handle. I'm just hurt she doesn't want to be seen (it seems like) with a best friend… and she claims it has nothing to do with me and she knows I do not believe her. She knows the issue, yet makes little effort to fix anything – and even if she did, I would view it as sympathetic. On June 26, she completely ripped into me on AOL instant messenger. I sent her a text message on her cell phone telling her we really needed to talk about things…not that night, not even that week, but we just needed to talk sometime. About ten minutes later, she said this to me: Her: How the f*ck do you expect me to want to hear this? You say that a best friend is supposed to do certain things, what the hell do you think you are doing? This is not what a "best friend" does either. A best friend does not willingly make their supposed friend feel like utter shit and don't you DARE tell me that I have NO right to feel the way that I do. I have every f*cking right that you do. You tell me that I need to realize that there are people in this world that have problems besides myself but what you want is for me to only hear you. You don't give a flying f*ck about me no matter what you say! You don't! I have tried these past few days to make an effort even if it's the smallest effort and you throw it back in my face. If this is what you think a "taste of their own medicine" is like, you're f*cking psycho. Her: Yeah, I don't want to hang out and you know why? I realized that I need someone positive in my life and you're not it! I can't handle anymore of this. I do something once, you get pissed and throw it at me which pisses me off so I don't do anything again and it's an endless cycle. This is bullshit that you keep throwing this in my face. You've changed, I've changed. Deal w/ it. Don't tell me you haven't changed b/c that's f*cking bullshit! The fact that you are telling me that our friendship is in my hands, what the f*ck is that? That right there should be a sign that you're making this a one way deal and I don't do that shit. You tell me that you care too much? BULLSHIT! Her: None of this is an act of caring. NONE. You tell me to listen to you, why not f*cking listen to me for once? You get pissed b/c I never tell you anything anymore, this is why! I can't deal w/ this shit anymore! This is f*cking rediculous that you had to type something up to express all my faults and degrade me. I'm better than that Jason. I refuse to listen to you say one more bad thing about me. You tell me over and over again "how would that make you feel". Take a look at how I feel. How would you feel if you had a friend doing this to you? I'm trying very very hard to remain rational and not go blabbing to the entire f*cking free world about my problems. Especially to people who don't know shit about the people involved. For once, think of something, someone, other than yourself and don't say that you do b/c you don't! YOU DON'T! Me: Bye MichelleMe: See, there is an explanation for everythingHer: signed off at 9:58:40 PM. Her: signed on at 9:59:17 PM. Her: is away at 10:29:00 PM.She claims that she did not mean any of that, but yet, that's the only thing that she has typed/said that makes sense to me. She tells me she cares about me so much, I'm the only person that understands her, and that she is always worried about me, etc…but yet it's like she is ashamed to be around me? A couple of Sundays ago, she was in a really good mood – which is rare as she is a real negative person. She told me I was going to see a certain movie (I was originally going to go by myself). This came after I invited her the previous week and she showed no interest. She just kept saying “You are going to see”… So I was asking if she was going then…and she said she would. Suddenly she wanted to, almost like she felt guilty. Then Monday, she came up and watched me bowl in my league and talked to quite a few people…and she met a guy that gave her the attention she wanted. The next night, she hangs out with him, goes to a bar, drinks around him and lets him get drunk. (She is too uncomfortable to drink around me, and she is the only one that's ever told me this) She took him back to her apartment, and they kissed, among other things. This is actually not that common for her because she freaks out about guys, though it's not uncommon for someone else to ask her to do anything, and for her to say yes. It's not that she kissed him or anything that bugs me or anything they might have done…it's the fact that she seems to want to get out and see the world with everyone but me, “her best friend”. She did, last week, see a movie with me. That was Thursday night. The next night, she complained she was so bored, yet she didn't want to do anything. Saturday night, she was out with this guy until 1 AM when she had to open at work the next day. Sunday, she hung out with him again and no showed to our bowling league (the same league she did not want to bowl with me on, but joined another team). She claims she is worried about me. She claims that I am her best friend. She claims all this good stuff, but her actions don't show it. I'm so confused, so depressed. She's hanging out with a girl named Molly on Thursday. I don't mind her hanging out with others, but I just don't feel equal. This is ruining my life and I hate it. I'm so concerned with her and what she does, I'm making myself miserable. I feel like I'm losing someone real special and there is nothing I can do about it. Am I wrong here? What should I do? Is she wrong? Everyone I've talked to tends to side with me, but I just don't see how this problem could be fixed. She says she is going to prove to me that the problem is not me, and that there is no problem at all, it's just a “routine” that she is used to. She did tell me a couple weeks ago she was going to try to explain things the best she could, and it wasn't really an answer, but something she needed to say. I believe I can see what is going on just fine. She wants a best friend when it's convenient. When she has no one else to turn to. Maybe she just needs me temporarily until Josh comes back from his mission? (May of this coming year) She tells me a lot – maybe more than anyone. Maybe that is what she means by a best friend? I just don't want to lose her anymore than I already have, so I'm scared of making the wrong decision. Most say I need to just move on though. I just can't, because I have tried. I really can't think of too many people I would go to this much trouble for, but she is obviously one of them. I don't know what to do, and it's actually hurting me to the point of where I am going to see a doctor and see what I can have done. I'm manic-depressive, and this is really making my life a roller coaster from hell. Every day seems to be a struggle, and she knows what is bothering me, but doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. She tells me (sometimes) that she will prove to me that I am wrong, but it sure doesn't look like I am. She has plans on Thursday with someone else… She just seems to want no interest in me. This is very long and I apologize, but believe it or not this makes a long story short! I care for her too much to let go without a fight. It sounds like some kind of sappy movie, but this is what I'm dealing with. I never thought I would care this much for any girl…and she's just a “friend”. Hope you can help. : )



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Answer

To be honest, I don't know where to start with an answer. Some people would say "move on", and you even said that people said that to you. Yet, it's not as simple as that. Some people say "forgive and forget". But, it's not as simple as that. You admit she is different. You admit she acts a certain way. She plays games with people, and you can do better than her. She is the reason you are going to the doctor. However, she may not be playing a game on purpose. It may be in her mind. She may be afraid to see Josh. She may feel you are getting to close to her, so she is pushing you away, without even fully knowing this. Has she gone to the doctor with you? I recommend this. I also recommend you talk to Josh. Have you ever met him? Ever seen him? Does she talk about him a lot? Or is Josh not really a person at all? Sometimes people make up people.You have went over my line with this problem. I will admit. I however hope I gave some light to something. I recommend asking in the psychology area. Asking follow ups also. Good luck and sorry.